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im going to shoot someone in the face.   
06:56pm 07/12/2002
mood: sick
nothing i hate more then waiting. and nothing i hate more then waiting for brett.... so starbucks party tonite... gay... but um hi was supposed to be there an hour ago... getting a ride from anita whose house it is at... yeah thanks.... we dont need to make this convienent for her. GRRR now ima feel all bad and just take the bus over by myself FUUUUUUUUCK unhappy... and my throat hurts like mad so i cant even swallow
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06:27pm 03/12/2002
mood: sleepy
lalala at school being bored... 15 minutes to classs... i need to get a drink and take mah second wellbutrin... yes i am normal. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i seem to be reminded everyday how much i need medical insurance so i hope this whole deal with my mom's insurance fucking up and dropping me gets fixed real soon....

whatever... im so tired an hour and a half long bus ride does not wake me up at all... i think i listened to the same chamber strings song 50 or 60 times...

this entry is mad pointless but i have nothing else to really say.... im excited to get my test back i hope to see a big A on it... then afterwards i go home and the brettmister comes over.... weeeeee hmmm tomorrow i should return my videos.... yes... that i should.... i dropped off my baby picture at work for our retarded holiday party... and ummmm yeah it was difficult cos dizamn i was a cute little fuck. =D rightooooooooooo ciaooooo
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03:12am 03/12/2002
mood: weird
well good god dizamn melodramatic works less then livejournal i swear!

the last few days have been so fucked.... everything at work has gone completely mad.... this girl sarah i work with completely flipped out on me on saturday.... and none the less she told my manager that i was doing no work... excuse me bitch... i cleaned out the back fridge yesterday, the front one today.... and you sit on your fat fucking ass reading comics... like what the hell...!!!! anyways i get a snooty little lecture from my manager dave...and i just want to punch her for over reacting so much. so now i can't look or speak to my manager or her unless forced.... and its great since the starbucks holiday party is coming up.... AND im bringing brett... AND he hated sarah long before this all started... AND we'll be drinking... and brett plans on being very honest with them... i look forward to this soap opera. whatever dude, she's fucking lame... no one at the store likes her because ALL she does is sit on HER ass... i swear the nerve of this girl is amaaaaazing...

LUCKILY there were some good points in these days too... i had a good time at this girl jaime's party friday after work with some other people that were there... then saturday (after the bitch athon from sarah) brett came over and we watched chicken run and gladiator and had deep discussions.... and he waited for me to finish work sunday and stayed over again...

i sometimes wonder if there is a minute of my day which passes that i don't think of him at some point. i've never felt anything that compares to how i feel when we have some of our talks... i love the truthfulness on both our parts... he doesn't lie to me and i've stopped even hidding things from him... each day i become more and more convinced this is someone i really love.... im trying to hold back for as long as i can... i want to make sure i know for sure that i do before i ever tell him... and he knows i feel like i do, and i know he feels like he does... and maybe we both know that we love eachother.... but right now substituted words are put in place.... but when he rests his head on my chest and says he's falling inlove with me.... that's all that matters to me in the world... every problem and worry i've ever had or have at that moment suddenly seems to blow away... i can just shut my eyes and embrace him for years to come... i hope i do.
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12:11am 27/11/2002
mood: loved

i think these just keep getting better and better. brett seems to be my world lately... kind of lame but kind of beautiful at the same time. we watched whats up tiger lily? and easy rider last night.... took some more web pics... i let brett dress me up anyway he wanted and uhhh the red outfit is what he chose... wouldn't have been mine... but i like always had lots of fun.... everyday i know him i feel more and more blessed... it sounds retarded but true... how did i get so fucking lucky? when i was flipping out he didn't call me the other nite he had paged me but ummm i had left my pager on vibrate so i didn't know hehe... my bad... he's all sick now... but he still wants to come over tomorrow... im just hopping he doesn't have the flu cos i dont feel like getting it...

other good news was i had this test i hadn't studied AT ALL for... and ummm well teacher suprised us by letting it be open book.. i think im going to get an A or a B in psych.... im very excited. bad news... i work tomorrow... well actually now today... at 4am... maybe i should go get some flippin' sleep. ciao
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02:11am 23/11/2002
mood: blah
i swear everyone forgets you at once.

im not important anymore to anyone. well saying anyone is a lie... dramatic... blah...

i just feel right now like the people i care about most don't want me around which hurts.

tonite turned out to be a pleasant suprise. ferny and i went to cinefile and i got my first ever videocard... this was a big moment for me... and we rented acouple films.... Delicatessen and Cul De Sac we then stopped by my work to get acouple free drinks and have a little sit down with anita and smoke a cigarette or 2... back home we went to make popcorn and watch movies... altho we didn't get to see cul de sac... i think ill see it tonite...

we then went out and took pictures for ferny's photo class and i got to steal a "Tree Lighting Provided By..." brentwood sign =D

tomorrow is work.. blah.... we'll see if anything else ends up going on...
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send my head a reelin   
06:36pm 12/11/2002
mood: productive
okay... i did it! i finally fucking got some pants... and although im not necessarily inlove with any of them at least i have a couple pairs... so my ass can be covered while i find some i actually really like... of course i need to get them all shortened but whatever. one of them i do like is a pair of velvety red pants. however... it is slightly a bit of a damper on ones self esteem when you have to wear a size 11 pant... yaaaaaaaaay. =[

i talked to seth. he seems way nice. i feel a lot better after talking to him. eeeeeeeeeeps im so excited... there's so much shit i have to get before my trip on friday. most consisting of make up... but i realized i HAVE to bring a camera.... this is definatly something i would like to document. friday 4pm i leave.

im about to have psych where we will be getting our tests back from acouple weeks ago... and i think there was supposed to be another test today but he wasn't here last week so im crossing my fingers it doesn't happen. im scared to get zee test back... also... i was nicely followed by a man off the bus who told me he liked my tie... then proceeded to follow me to the library telling me about himself and asking about me... like i cared? and he asked mah name and kisses my hand =x *vomit* i hate when people kiss your hand that you would rather not. and gave me his business card... uhhhhhhhh don't think i shall be calling that anytime soon...

i've been listening to pj harvey a shitload today, getting back into 4 track demos and stories from the sea... and she makes me feel completely intense about everything it makes me laugh. i feel how much i really adore brett... i miss him so intensely... its weird i feel like i want to do anything that can make him happy... blah... i better get to see him before slc.

well that's all for now... not a post in days and days and then 2 in one... how typical psh. off to class.
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01:53pm 12/11/2002
Which female sex symbol are you?

brought to you by Quizilla
oh i think im falling inloooove   
03:04am 29/10/2002
mood: narcissistic
with youuuu....

with youuuu....

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03:03am 27/10/2002
mood: sappy
how come when you fall inlove it happens so quick? i feel everything with him. i feel things about him i didn't with boyfriends of a year. and its strange to have feelings returned. i dont even feel like im worthy of him but im trying to teach myself otherwise. i could get lost in him forever.
02:31pm 26/10/2002
mood: optimistic
okay so im wrong and he's amazing. i mean i was right in the first place... i have to stop thinking so fucking much and blowing everything out of proportion.

after we came home from hanging out with vanessa, ryan, and ferny... i was still kinda weird to him because of the whole paris girl thing... but we had this talk that i have never had with anyone before. it feels so crazy (in a good way) to be able to speak to someone in such a healthy way and sort things out...

so it comes down to, paris girl and him we're broken up for a year pretty much before he ever met me... when she left for paris, they were friends just as long as they were dating... so now she's like his bestfriend... which i don't know how they pull of but i can understand it. and he reasured me how he does infact like me a lot... and he wouldn't ditch me if she came to visit from paris... and it was soooo nice to hear... it went a lot more in depth but i feel kinda weird typing about it when he's sitting on the bed behind me.... more like half sleeping... god he made me feel so good i cried last nite. rawr. ferny is right he's fucking awesome. i feel so lucky... soooooo lucky... i think this is the first time i think everything is going to be alrite.
08:31pm 24/10/2002
mood: rushed

thoughts. soooo many thoughts. running through my head. seems like i can't stop them. not even in my sleep. its embaressing. now i talk in my sleep about him. i dream about him so much. its weird, even if i don't remember them... brett will tell me in the morning i was saying his name in my sleep. let's hope i don't say anything too revealing.

i have realized why i am so terrible at relationships. the most important thing in a relationship is to have communication. something which i have an unreasonably difficult time doing. i honestly have anxiety attacks when i speak to people about "unpleasant" thoughts i may be having about them. half the time they're so irrational... but this seems really reasonable. funny that the one time it seems very reasonable i think its the biggest deal in the world to speak about. i get the shakes everytime it even occurs to me. how can anyone respect someone like me? they don't. if he knew i was like this he wouldn't want anything to do with me. i need to maybe pretend its not a big deal... or take some vicadin drink a few beers with him and then have a talk... but i can't have this talk in public... which sucks cos that's where i would most likely bring it up. so there would be witnesses incase he broke me.

anyone ever go through similiar situations? if so how did you deal with it? i find it horrible that i am this tramatized out of something people do every single day.

in other news... ummm wow what other news...? i returned the video tapes today finally... the guy kicked off one of the 4 late fees and i paid them off... so i dont feel so bad now about returning them late cos it made me out 15 bucks.

i've cut down on my smoking dramatically. where as i used to buy a pack every single day. i haven't bought one in.... about i think 3 days. im pretty proud of myself. this wellbutrin stuff really works.

i also feel like i have lost almost all contact with friends... from sharin, to joanna in sf (my god it was her birthday last week and i didn't even call or email and she's my bestfriend???), i haven't seen or really had a real conversation with ferny since before he left for portland, AND i haven't seen or spoken to vanessa and ryan since like what 3 weeks ago??? and on top of wanting to be able to see and catch up and reconnect with these people.... i also want to hang out with brett, anita, and ed...

i feel like everyone thinks im avoiding them or i hate them. and i know it might sound bitchy but... i seriously have been busy. between working nite shifts constantly to going to school... i seem to only see the people who are willing to work around my schedule. it sounds really crappy but its true. i think the reason why i see brett so much is because he's willing to meet up with me and hang out at midnite... my hours have become completely rediculous and not known to any normal human being. day becomes nite, and nite becomes day... and i am left with only the insomniacs. my god, i haven't even talked to my grandma in a week or two... damn.. i have to call her too.

so much catching up to do. so many distractions. so little time.
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03:57pm 22/10/2002
mood: anxious

so i have spent my day being practically useless.... i should go and finish my psych homework and then go out to class but i keep hoping to get a call from brett or a little knock on my door even tho it doesn't seem like it is going to happen today. its so weird how much i like him RAWR. i wanna be with him so much... its retarded i saw him every single day since friday so now i totally miss him since this the first day i haven't seen him. im weird i get attatched quick.

im thinking of bleaching my hair soon... nice platinum blonde... kind of getting bored of the blackness. depending on how much the next paycheck is i might go get that done.... blaaaaaah...
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02:25am 22/10/2002
mood: confused
why does he do things like call me just to say goodnite? ahhh its those things that make him so special to me sometimes.... what is a girl to do.
i smell...   
11:45am 21/10/2002
mood: nauseated
im so in need of a shower right now. im at bretts and i just want to go home except i dont know the bus/subway route.... being here has made me think that....

it seems like every boy i would like to get involved with seems to still be absorbed in their ex girlfriend. i highly doubt any of my boyfriends wallow over me once im gone.... ugh whatever... like i can understand missing them, being friends with them still whatever.... but when you call them when you wake up in the morning... you have pictures of their naked body in your room, you have kept all the love letters, and smooching pictures... its too much for me... when all you can do is talk about your ex. i now know why boys hate to hear about people's pasts. like hi, get over it, or don't get involved with me.

this sucks cos i like everything about him except for his emotional affair he's having. and we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend but hi we're only seeing eachother same thing. like he told me he'd get mad at me if i kissed a girl... so you and your emotional love for the love of your life shouldn't make me mad?

ugh all i wanna do is go home and not speak to him... but hi its not like i ever call him... he calls me... i should just talk to him about this... but i know there isn't anything he can change... but it hurts me... well actually allow me to take that back there is things he can change i just don't think he's ready to do that. i feel so worthless, very second best right now.... blah....
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01:58am 15/10/2002
mood: cranky
today was horrendous. needed to not happen. felt shitty during a lot of it. seem to just be feeling shittier the longer im awake.

its funny how much it hurts to hear about someone you used to be with find someone else attractive, or even someone you're with...

brett called but uh when i called back his sister picked up and i got scared and hung out. im sick of being so fucking lame. i feel like i dont deserve anything. and this week is so booked.... i have no time to see anyone.... unless they wanted to wait around for me which isn't worth it. blaaaaargh
for the boy who just told me he's going to through a brick through my skull...   
04:51am 14/10/2002
mood: annoyed
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02:44am 14/10/2002
mood: contemplative
actually i feel kind of better reading ron's journal entry cos even tho i've acted like a complete ass he really isn't over his old girlfriend.... i think maybe he just wanted a girlfriend and i was there? i don't know... blah blah blah blah. its weird how people are just kind of with people cos they're there.... i dunnoooooooo...... hmmmmm..................... i hate not being able to comprehend things. i feel very dramaesk lately. ah well... it seems as if it all is a big drama tho isn't it? i HATE drama... yet it seems to run so much of my life. :::sigh:::
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02:31am 14/10/2002
mood: sad
well i had a horrible weekend. im glad its almost over. i fucking am an asshole. i hate being afraid cos i know it only makes shit worse. tomorrow is going to suck too... i wanna just fall asleep and not wake up for a long time.... blah.

tomorrow is going to be shitty too... i have to wait for someone to fix the stove, also have to go to a psychiatrist appointment at 1:15 in hollywood which ill be taking the bus to... and work from 3:45 til midnite. all of which i will be thinking about how much of a shit i am.

i miss being 4 years old.... someone want to send me back in time?
08:16pm 13/10/2002
  so i awake to find im alone again. hm. no suprise. a bit dramatic and odd yes. hm.... well off to eat cereal.  
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02:17am 03/10/2002
mood: cheerful
i've had such a good time the last few days with ron. i feel bad i can't even fully let him know how good of a time i really do have with him. i really am terrible sometimes telling people i really do enjoy them. i feel like i always tell the wrong people. we took webcam pics hehehe of course. they shall be posted later.

other news i got a nice letter today in the mail from the court telling me i have a warrant out for my arrest WOO HOO!!! my bail is at 15000 dollars. hah. fuckers. I HATE THE SYSTEM =D especially since im such a nice girl i swear they're being mean to the wrong people wah.

i miss vanessa. and sharin. and joanna. and and and and um yeah. blah. im actually tired. i've been feeling shitty all day. sickness sucks butt. late.
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